The Joy of Sorrow. The Gift of Grief.

 

 

My heart shattered on this day 18 years ago. On that day and the days afterwards I couldn't comprehend the possibility that I would dance and sing again in the presence of God. That day was the day I miscarried Isaac. I came home from the hospital aching in my body and deep in my soul. I felt his absence from within me just as I had felt his soul arrive.

 

There was an emptiness that felt like a pit and I cried out to Him without words what the psalmist said,"...to the Lord I plead for mercy: “What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper!”

 

While I felt the world had stopped moving everyone else began to move forward. My family invited us to go with them to look at puppies the next day. How surreal to me but we went and came home with Moses. He filled my arms. That night I lay on the floor with him as he whimpered for his mother. The floor was cold and I lay with my head next to his. We cried together until we found comfort in each other. 

 

Beautiful women came and ministered to me with healing words and offers of hope. They told me I would rejoice again. I nodded because I trusted them but I didn't know how that would happen. 

 

My first Sunday back in church I presented my sacrificial offering of praise. "I do not understand your ways, God, but I love you. I question you. I shake my fist at you. I plead with you. I don't understand you but I love you." I was honest. I was raw. And He answered me.

 

In my grief He gave me a gift, a deep, abiding knowing. He loved me. Those words seem so simple but if you knew me, knew how I never felt secure in anyone's love, how I had grown up in brokenness, uncertainty and darkness then you would understand why that sudden knowledge of His steadfast, infinite love for me lifted the weight pressing me down into the pit.

 

The song ends this way:

 

 

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever! Psalm 30:11,12

 

I can say with certainty that this is true for me. It took a long time. Many years of moving forward experiencing fountains of joy but always bearing the scars of living in a broken world. More grief and pain would cross my path, as is the way of life, and days that felt heavier than that day we lost Isaac. But I was different. I held on to His promise of infinite love for me and I still do.

 

That is my anchor when the storm winds toss me around. This knowing of His infinite love for me is a part of me now, just as I know there will be air to fill my lungs with my next breath and the breath after that, I know He will never let me go.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Isaac

 

I heard you again today.

 

As the wind whispered past my ear,

soft laughter...a chime.

 

And I felt you.

A small hand grasping mine.

Soft, trusting.

 

Your locks catching gold and darker hues

in the shifting light

lifting, dancing in the breeze.

 

Your face turned to mine,

your eyes full of questioning...

your smile light.

 

but I'm afraid to speak,

my heart catches and my breath pauses...

a moment...you're gone.

 

I said a prayer...

and I wait...

my child.

 

 

 

This moment happened on an autumn day as I walked alone up my driveway to the house. I heard a sound, I felt something in my hand and I looked down and there he was, a small child.Time seemed to stand still and then he was gone. Nothing like it had ever happened to me before. It felt like a promise and I wrote it down and pondered it in my heart. Several months later I would learn I was pregnant with Isaac and then he was gone. During my grief I found this in my journal and it comforted me.